As women, we aren’t taught to self-advocate in school, but it’s an absolutely critical skill for women to develop, especially women in tech.
And, despite what many think, it’s a learnable skill.
And we’re going to teach it to you.
What does it mean to advocate for yourself?
Self-advocacy is the ability to communicate your value, needs, and goals clearly, and to ask for what you’ve earned. For women in tech, it’s one of the most important skills to have for your own career trajectory.
At work, that looks like claiming credit for your contributions, asking directly for feedback or opportunities, and naming problems before they compound. It’s about ensuring the people who make decisions about your career know what you’re doing and what you want.
When Should You Advocate for Yourself at Work?
They’re probably moments you already recognize:
- When your work is overlooked or misattributed, and you’re watching someone else get praise for what you did.
- When expectations are unclear, and you aren’t sure what direction to take.
- When you want feedback or growth opportunities, but no one has proactively offered them to you.
- When your workload becomes unsustainable, and you’re feeling yourself edge into burnout.
- When you need to set a boundary in order to maintain your sanity.
There are others, of course, but this is a good starting point. Look for these moments when you’re on the path to building your self-advocacy skill.
How to Advocate for Yourself at Work: Scripts for Real Situations
A few things to keep in mind while learning and gaining skills around self-advocacy:
- Lead with “I”: it keeps things factual and harder to dismiss.
- Tie your ask to something concrete.
- And when you’re done talking, stop.
Don’t soften it. Don’t explain it away. Silence is actually working in your favor.
And if you’re concerned that you’re coming off as “an emotional woman” (🙄 because women are definitely not the more emotional gender), know that tying it directly to something concrete helps to mitigate that.
Below are scripts for the moments that tend to catch you off-guard: asking for feedback, claiming credit for your work, and pushing back when something’s off. These aren’t magic words. You’ll need to make them yours. But they give you a starting point so you’re not blank-paging it in the middle of a meeting.
Asking for feedback
Use this when you’re not getting an unprompted signal on where you stand, or when “you’re doing great” is the only answer you’ve gotten.
“I’d like to get your honest read on where I’m at, not just what’s going well, but where you see gaps and what it would take for you to consider me ready for [more scope / the next level]. Can we put 30 minutes on the calendar for that?”
And if they provide vague feedback? It can be frustrating. But pushing back with “Can you give me an example?” puts people on the spot and makes them less likely to be honest with you next time.
Try this instead. Reflect back what you heard: “So when I do X, Y happens, is that right?” Then do the work of finding the example yourself.
You might not land on one in the moment. That’s fine. Sit with it. When something clicks later, go back to the person: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what you said. Is this an example of what you meant?”
That one follow-up does two things. It shows you took the feedback seriously. And it gets you the specificity you actually need.
Asking for a stretch opportunity
Use this when a project or expansion comes up, and you haven’t been asked, but you want in.
“I’ve been thinking about [project/opportunity], and I’d like to be considered for it. I’ve been doing [relevant work], and I think I can [specific contribution]. Is that a conversation we can have?”
Don’t preemptively disqualify yourself (“I know I might not have all the experience…”). Make the ask clean and wait.
If they say you’re not ready: “What would ready look like? I want to understand what the gap is so I can work on it.”
Clarifying responsibilities
Use this when the scope keeps expanding without acknowledgment, or when ownership is blurry enough that your work is being absorbed by someone else’s.
“I want to make sure we’re aligned on who owns what. My understanding is that I’m responsible for [X]. Can we confirm that, and also clarify [the gray area]? I want to make sure nothing falls through the cracks and that we’re not duplicating work.”
How to Set Boundaries at Work
Use this when a request, expectation, or dynamic has crossed into territory that’s unsustainable or inappropriate, and you need to name it without burning the relationship.
“I want to be straightforward with you: [the situation] isn’t something I’m able to continue. Going forward, I’m going to [the boundary you’re setting]. I wanted to tell you directly rather than let it become a problem.”
If they push back: “I hear you. This is where I need to be right now in order to do my best work. I’m not trying to make things harder. I want to find a way to make this work for both of us.”
Say what you need to say, then stop. You don’t owe a lengthy explanation.
Getting credit for your work
In the room, in the moment: “I want to add some context here. This came out of [work I did / analysis I ran]. Happy to walk through how I got there.”
After the fact:
Kim Scott, co-founder of Radical Candor, recommends inviting the person for a walk, even just to their next meeting, and explaining the impact (and pulling out the receipts). But you don’t want to attack them. Instead, explain that they hold power in the room.
Addressing misalignment with your manager
Use this when you and your manager are operating on different assumptions about priorities, performance, or your trajectory, and the gap is creating friction you can’t afford to ignore.
“I want to have a direct conversation because I think we might be seeing something differently, and I’d rather surface it now than let it sit. My understanding of [the situation/expectation] is [X]. Is that how you see it?”
It’s really important to try to understand their perspective. You might now have all of the visibility that they do.
If the misalignment is about your performance: “Can you give me a specific example of what you’d want to see different? I want to understand what you’re seeing that I might not be.”
If they double down in a way that feels unfair: “I hear you. I want to make sure I understand this clearly before we continue. Can we slow down and go through [the specific situation] together?”
What If It’s Not Safe to Speak Up at Work?
You may not work in an environment where you feel comfortable or safe enough to speak up. This is real and valid. If your workplace is predominantly male, there is data showing that women’s advancement lags behind companies with more women represented.
In those cases, the written options below can carry less risk than in-room confrontation.
When You Can’t Say It Out Loud: Async Options
Not every workplace makes real-time advocacy feel safe. Written communication can be a lower-stakes entry point: it gives you time to be precise, creates a record, and removes the pressure of responding in the moment.
However, written feedback can sometimes carry the risk of misinterpretation. This should be the last channel you use, considering that you lose the context that comes with talking about it personally.
These work in Slack, email, or wherever your team communicates in writing. Adjust the formality to match your environment.
Making an ask before a 1:1
Use this to set the agenda before a feedback or development conversation. It signals intentionality and makes it harder for the meeting to stay surface-level.
“Before our 1:1, I wanted to mention that I’d like to talk about [feedback on my work / a specific growth opportunity I’ve been thinking about]. I want to make sure we have time for it.”
Claiming credit after the fact
Use this when your work was presented or discussed without your name attached*,* and you didn’t catch it in the moment.
“I wanted to follow up on [the meeting / the presentation]. [X] resulted from work I did on [project/analysis], and I want to make sure that’s documented. Happy to share more context if it’s helpful.”
Documenting scope creep
Use this when responsibilities have been expanding without acknowledgment, and you want a record of the conversation.
“I want to make sure we’re aligned on my current workload. Since [date/project], I’ve taken on [X, Y, Z] in addition to my original scope. I wanted to raise this now to prevent any issues later. Can we talk through priorities at our next 1:1?”
Flagging misalignment with your manager
Use this when something feels off, but you’re not ready, or it’s not safe to address it directly in conversation.
“I’ve been thinking about [situation/expectation], and I want to make sure I understand where you’re coming from before our next conversation. My understanding is [X]. Does that align with how you’re seeing it?”
What Do You Do When Self-Advocacy Backfires?
If you don’t get the reaction you want, step away before you respond. Give yourself time to settle before you reflect. When you do: name what happened, identify one thing you’d do differently, and decide whether to try again or let it go.
If you have a mentor, this is a great thing to bring to them. They can help you troubleshoot what went wrong from the outside and figure out your next steps. If you don’t, ask a trusted friend or post in the RTC Slack.
It’s also worth paying attention to how the other person responded. Sometimes a reaction tells you more about the environment you’re in than about how you said something. If that keeps happening, our article on [company culture] covers what to look for and what to avoid.
How Do You Start Advocating for Yourself?
If you’ve never advocated for yourself before, start with one moment of noticing. Pick a meeting, a 1:1, or a conversation this week and pay attention: Did you speak up? Did you soften something you meant to say directly? Did you stay quiet when you had something to add?
Just naming it is the first rep. Once you can see the pattern, you can start working with it.
Remember: self-advocacy grows through practice, not perfection.
If you want to dig into more of this, we recommend Kim Scott’s Radical Candor framework!
At RTC, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Our Slack is open. Come ask, vent, or just read what others are navigating. If you’re not a member yet, join us.